i admit - i am needy

My eyelids are heavy and the baggage under my eyes is very unattractive. J was up every 2 hours last night. Teeth - the top ones I am guessing - are bothering her. She is a boogery mess. She is cranky and needy.

Sounds like me lately.

I want another baby. I wanted another one 6 weeks postpartum. Why? I want my kids close in age because I contribute age as one of the factors why my sister and I are not close. Not to mention K is the golden child and can do no wrong in my mother's eyes. I digress. I want my kids no more than 2 years apart. I want to be pregnant. I want to see my belly grow with child. A doesn't. Not right now. He is worried about money and how it is not fair to them (the kids) that we cannot provide everything for them. He comes from a family that had lots of children and lots of bad memories. I come from a family of two. We had what we needed, somethings that we wanted, but it was more about the good memories for me. I am crushed. This is the first time A has told me no in the 4.5 years we have been married. Not to mention the dating period of 5 years. I am in the mentality that we can do this. We were prepared for #1? No! But we are adjusting. Will we ever be 100% ready for #2? Probably not.

And the fact that my libido is way more than his is really getting to me. But the only right time to have sex is when HE wants to. That pisses me off to no end. A is always "too tired" or I hear "later" or "we can't right now," but when he decides the time is right I always submit. Not anymore. I am sure my hold out will not last long as I have said before I am a needy person lately, but I can sure as hell try.

A left this morning without a good-bye or love you from me. I love him unconditionally, but just wasn't feeling the loving mood this morning. I was tired. I was cranky. I had no sleep last night as is everynight J is up during the work week whether I am working the next day or not. I was too worried about getting showered, ready, dressed, hair done, J fed, J clothed, car warmed up and us out the door by 7:45 AM. Did not happen, but we were close.

posted by Stephanie @ 9:34:00 AM