mommy fears

Fear. I have pinpointed that this is haunting me in my dreams at night. It disrupts my sleep (the little sleep I do get) and makes me toss & turn at night. I dreamt of calling the doctor to bring her in for a weight check. It is on my mind that much.

My fear is that J is not going to grow like she should. That her lack of drinking milk - mommy's or formula - is going to harm her in some way. I fear what the doctor will say come December 1. I just have this fear that lies deep in my gut and in my mind. But my heart, that is a different story. My heart tells me that there is nothing wrong - physically - with my little girl. Nothing. She is hitting all her milestones, she is happy, she is great. The only thing is her weight. Who knew an 8 month old could have a weight issue? Funny thing actually. Mommy has always had a weight issue, but it has been the opposite. Maybe there is a peteite diva inside me wanting out.

I am also tired of the comments.

"She is so small."

"Was she a premie?"

"What was her birth weight?"

I know I should let it roll off my back. I know that comments should not matter. But it hurts. I feel that they are judging me in some way. I feel that I am to blame. I know it is dumb, but I feel that there might be something wrong with me. With my milk. Maybe there is. The LCs at my hospital don't test milk. I asked.

I am tired of waiting. I am tired of worrying. I just want her to be healthy. And happy. We have the second part down. All we need is to figure out the first part.

posted by Stephanie @ 8:13:00 AM